Reconnecting

I just went and sat outside for a long time, in the cold air, in the wind, feet in the grass, muddy soil everywhere from last nights previous downpour of rain. Last night was beautiful, the storm took over our little street, the street light illuminating it all. The thunder was so loud and reminded me of the way ice sounds when it cracks and breaks and snaps. Our houses and our material things would be brought to nothing if it was even stronger, against nature, we are almost powerless. It has been so long since I have truly felt connected to a lot of things, to nature, to the universe, to heavenly father, to other people. I'm not sure what happened, or where things changed, but a lot has happened, and a lot has changed. I use to feel such a longing and a nostalgia for my childhood, for the vacations we'd take to a small beach town called Nelson Bay, in my mind that was where I was truly happy, that was my second home, that was where I wanted to be all the time. But I have come to realise that I think anywhere I find the ocean, I feel at peace and I feel at home. Always. It just changes me and I can't help it. As soon as I'm there, I'm just happier, even seeing it from a distance. I can't explain it.
I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, I'm not sure who is my true friends, who even cares about me fully, so many people lie and pretend and take advantage and don't appreciate. I just want a simple life, a simple passionate, loving life. Loving others. Loving nature. Loving Heavenly Father. Loving myself. Appreciating everything I have been given, and understanding that everything I haven't been given, has been for a reason, to teach me, to help me grow into the person I am supposed to be.

This space, was an idea of mine, to somehow help myself get back on the right path, or a path that I'm happy with at least. Get back to where I started, but different. I am trying to reconnect to everything I have tried to disconnect from, everything I pushed away, instead of holding on to. I honestly, have no idea where to start or what I'm doing, but I just really want a happier life, I want to be better, I want people to say the see the light in me again, I want them to say that I'm the happiest person they've ever seen, just like they used to. All of this time, I have been trying to force myself to be someone else, something else, I just want to be me, I want to not be afraid, I have been so full of fear for years now, and it is horrible. It truly cripples your life. It is no way to live. It is no way to live at all.